Embracing the Child-Free Journey
As I embrace my 40s, welcoming grays and working to defy gravity, these external changes have become my armor against a question I once dreaded: 'When are you going to have children?' To the women younger than me who are now dodging this invasive ‘none of your business’ question, here are 10 things to help support you along your way.
1. You will never regret not having children. Despite what people may tell you, if you've thoughtfully and independently decided not to have children, those who suggest you will regret not having children are wrong. They also cross a boundary by not respecting your decision-making ability and choices. If you feel strongly that having children is not for you, stand firm and with confidence in your decision.
2. Harness your nurturing instincts to contribute positively to the world. Having the potential to be a wonderful mother doesn't necessitate having children. While women are often natural caregivers, we can redirect that energy and love towards pursuits that ignite our passions.
3. You may need to reassess your squad. Some may assume that if you don’t want children, you must not like them. If you find yourself feeling compelled to defend your personal choice to remain child-free, you may be holding onto unhealthy relationship dynamics. Those who genuinely care about you will respect and support your decision without judgment and without negative assumptions.
4. You are not selfish. No matter what anyone tells you, it is not selfish to choose a child-free life. True selfishness lies in those who lack consideration for your autonomy and preferences because they prioritize their own happiness or seek validation for their choices.
5. You don’t owe anyone grandchildren. Don't be swayed by pressure from your parents or potential in-laws to have grandchildren. The decision to bring a life into the world is entirely yours to make. It's your body, your energy, your emotions, and your finances that would be responsible for your child. Your parents may need time to accept your choice, but ultimately, the decision rests with you.
6. Not having children does not make you self-absorbed. You will have the time to focus on your goals, finances, personal development, and to contribute to your relationships in ways your friends with children will not have the capacity to. It is a balance, and your choice to remain child-free will enhance your life and the lives of those around you in different, but equally meaningful, ways.
7. You don’t have to go to every baby shower. In an era filled with reveals, showers, and sprinkles, it's essential to prioritize your own well-being and financial comfort. You are not obligated to attend every event celebrating the mothers and mothers-to-be in your life, nor do you need to buy gifts to commemorate their personal choices. It's perfectly acceptable to limit your attendance and participation in these celebrations.
8. Don’t date people who want children. If you are interested in someone who wants children, lose interest. If having children is important to a person you are dating, don’t waste their time and create inevitable emotional devastation. If someone shares that they want children, believe them and care for them enough to give them the space to attract a partner who shares the same desire. If your partner's desire for children has shifted since being with you, take the time to discuss and understand this change.
9. Nurture your finances. It is projected that the cost of raising a child to the age of 18 is around $250,000. Consider investing some or all the money you will save by not having children. People are going to ask who will take care of you when you grow old if you don’t have children—the dollars you have from not having children, they will take care of you. While many children may willingly and happily support their parents, the decision to have or not have children should not hinge on this expectation. You should never expect that someone else will take care of you, and you will never regret financially preparing for your future.
10. The world isn’t getting better. There, I said it. I recall being concerned about our world and the environment during my teenage years. Unfortunately, things have escalated far beyond what I anticipated at my current age. If you share this concern, it is entirely valid and something worth seriously considering before bringing a life into this world.
Spend as much of your time and energy as possible making conscious decisions in life and expanding as an individual. Many people mindlessly flow through life, drifting from one societally constructed decision to the next. If you are a person considering not having children, I applaud you for pausing. Regardless of what you ultimately choose to do, the decision is yours—nobody else’s.
Through my 20s and 30s, I knew there would come a point in my life where I could look at all the people who harped on me for not having children and say, 'Still don’t want them and glad I didn’t do it.' And let me tell you…it is a damn good feeling.
—Shannon Stein
