10 RELATIONSHIP LESSONS FROM MY GREATEST LOVES: DOGS
It’s said that humans are the superior species, the greatest creation—obviously a theory conceived by humans who never loved a dog.
As far back as I can remember, some of my happiest and most loving moments have been spent with dogs. I’m the person at a party who can be found off in the distance, hanging out with a friend’s (or even a stranger’s) dog. I’m also the person who will put you on hold during a phone call so that I can say hello to a dog who locked eyes with me while on a walk. I remember dog names more easily than I remember a dog’s human’s name, and I will absolutely cancel plans just to hang out with my dogs. I’m a dog advocate, lover, and most importantly, I am a dog mom. My first dog as an adult was a Min Pin named Spike, who about four years later gained a rescue brother named Ruger. In many ways, I grew up with those boys. They saw me through the toughest years of my life, and they were my loving center as I built stability through it all. My current pack consists of two Min Pins, Cleopatra and Caesar, who think the world revolves around them, because in their world, it does.
In honor of International Dog Day, I’m sharing some of the lessons these amazing beings have taught me about love and relationships.
Learn to communicate your needs and wants. Despite my consistent efforts over the years, I still cannot speak dog. This shortcoming has led my pups to find non-verbal ways to help me understand them. When Cleopatra wants a treat, she makes direct eye contact and licks her lips. When Caesar wants to cuddle, he paces back and forth, huffing until I pick him up. (And here is the cutest part…) When they want a hug, they place their forehead against mine, waiting for me to wrap my arms around them—and then they melt into the embrace. If our dogs can learn to communicate their needs and wants without the use of words we understand, surely we can learn to express ours to the people in our lives. Don’t expect others to ‘just know’ what you need or want. Finding healthy ways to communicate your needs and wants does one of two things: 1) it gives others a fair opportunity to show up for you, or 2) it reassures you that you’ve expressed your needs and wants, allowing you to move on and move forward with that reassurance if situations aren’t aligning.
Your energy communicates much more than your words. Anyone who has ever built a relationship with a dog knows that dogs absorb and understand energy. When my pups and I moved into an apartment in New York a few years ago, they barked at every noise they heard. It was their first time living in an apartment, and with their acute hearing—one of their many superpowers—they picked up on every sound. During their freak-out moments, the last thing they needed was for me to tense up and scold them. Instead, they needed me to provide stability and calmness, showing them through my energy that the noises weren't a threat to us. My dogs have taught me to be more attuned to the energy I bring into conversations, and they’ve also taught me to recognize the energy others bring to me. When someone approaches you with an anxious or frustrated tone, you might notice anxiousness or frustration rising within you as a result. Before responding or reacting, acknowledge the uncomfortable energy and try to find your own balance to carry forward with.
Greet your loved ones with joy. Every time I come home, no matter how long I’ve been gone, my pups are always excited to see me. They run over at full speed, sliding into twirls and jumps, showing their uncontainable excitement as we say our hellos. I’ve carried this greeting-at-the-door ritual into my marriage (minus the twirls and jumps). Regardless of the kind of day I’ve had or what I’m in the middle of doing, when my husband comes home, I stop and lovingly greet him, and he does the same for me. Meeting each other at the door with love and positive energy sets a tone that carries through into our interactions through the remainder of the day or evening. After not seeing your person all day, nothing is more important than greeting them with joy and welcoming them home with love.
Tiny gestures mean a lot. When my husband and I first met, he traveled regularly for work. Spike began to learn the schedule and became familiar with the sight of a suitcase. Every time my husband settled into his hotel room—wherever in the world he was that week—he would send me a picture of a treat Spike had hidden in his suitcase for him. Spike rarely ate a treat as soon as he got it; usually, he would hide it to eat later. Once he started learning the travel routine of his other human, we think it was his little way of showing his love. We rarely saw Spike in the act of hiding the treat, which made this ritual even more special. Finding opportunities to sneak a note or a special treat into your person’s lunch bag, briefcase, or suitcase is a guaranteed way to put a smile on their face and to send your love with them out into the world.
Don’t stay mad at the people you love. Years ago, I was working full-time, going to school, and running a side business. My pups started showing signs of feeling neglected. One evening, as I opened my laptop to start working, Cleopatra came over and sat on the keyboard. I immediately picked her up, shut my laptop, and took them for a walk. They didn’t act dismissive or give me ‘the silent treatment’ for days; they moved into the next phase of what we were doing and enjoyed the moment. Dogs don’t stay mad. This is a huge lesson we can carry into our human connections, especially in familial relationships and marriage. If you choose to love someone, love them enough not to stay mad.
Be sensitive to character changes. My Ruger was the most gorgeous, kind, and patient boy. Spike, Marco (my Siamese cat), and I welcomed him to our home when he was just a little peanut. He grew to be somewhere around 55 pounds, which was about 45 pounds bigger than Spike and Marco. Considering their size difference, I was always impressed with how gently he played with Spike and Marco. They were this incredible, cohesive pack. Years later, I noticed Ruger’s personality was changing. He wasn’t as happy as he once was, and he was becoming short-tempered with Spike and Marco. This was so opposite of who I knew him to be, so I consulted with his doctor. After several appointments and various tests, it was determined that he had an incurable congenital disease. We managed the condition through medication, but unfortunately, the medication took a toll on his body. This experience with Ruger taught me how important it is to pay attention to changes in those you love. Had I not paid attention, had I scolded Ruger for his changed behavior, he would have continued to suffer and struggle. If someone you are close to behaves outside of character, it is highly likely they are struggling in some way. These struggles aren’t always a result of physical health; they are often a result of mental or emotional struggle. Instead of judging and applying more pressure, see them lovingly and look for ways you can help.
Don’t let the things that don’t matter, matter. When Ruger was teething, I came home from work one day to find bits and pieces of every shoe I owned (except the ones I was wearing, of course) scattered all over the house. I was frustrated, but not at Ruger—I was mad at myself. I knew he was teething, and I didn’t set him up for success when I left him home with free range to go shoe shopping. As I was cleaning up the fragments of my shoes, I thought about how the situation could have been so much worse. I could have come home to an unwell pup, but instead, I was greeted at the door by his big smile and tail wagging through the chaos, as if nothing had happened. Did those shoes really matter to me? No. So why make an unfortunate situation worse by crying over chewed shoes? Save your energy to be upset about the things in relationships that truly matter, and for everything else…try to find the lesson or the good and keep it moving.
All you need is love. When Spike and I joined forces, I was 17. Within that year, we moved out on our own with no help or support. Needless to say, things were not comfortable. I remember having just enough loose change to buy a taco—Spike ate the meat, and I ate the rest. I can still see his face smiling at me after he ate his portion, and I still tear up thinking about those times. As little as we had (and at that time, we had very little), we were happy. I had him, he had me, and that’s really all we needed—the rest we would figure out. Through the years, I’ve tried to stay very close to the feeling of that time. As life carries on, we tend to get swept up in it and focus on the things that really don’t mean anything at all. If you have a love in your life who is there no matter what, be thankful for them and be assured that you have the most important thing there is to have in life. You have all you need, and everything else is figure-out-able.
Protect the ones you love. I grew up in a time when dogs weren’t seen as the family members they are today. At a very young age (under 10), I recall my uncle—who was never pleasant and never contributed more than meaningless smart-ass remarks—saying about my childhood dog, “It’s just a dog.” I felt a rage rise in my tiny body that I had never experienced before. “It's just a dog.” I didn’t like this uncle before, but now... I loathed him. I didn’t know what to do with that rage, but I instinctively knew I needed to defend my girl. When you love someone, you protect them. If you hear someone speaking ill of them, you defend them. If you see someone harming them in any way, you intervein. You instinctively feel the need to shield them from anything bad. And if you feel this instinct but don’t act on it, what does that say about you? If you truly love someone, you will protect them. Period.
Home is wherever we are. I now reside in the twenty-fourth place I've called home in my adult life, which is in the fifth state I have lived in. I’ve lived in sectioned-off houses, apartment buildings, duplexes, and houses in both cities and suburbs. No matter where I’ve lived, the energy in each place I’ve called home has always felt the same. I've had the company of a dog my entire life, and the love within our little pack is not dependent on a house, state, or location. What makes the places we’ve lived in feel like home is within us; it is nomadic. My home is wherever my pack is, and that realization brings me a sense of unbound freedom. If life takes you somewhere new, enjoy the experience knowing that if you are with your pack, you are home.
—Shannon Stein
