FIVE-STEPS TO HELP REMEDY STRAIN IN A RELATIONSHIP
The struggle is real when there is strain in a relationship. Whether it involves work, friendship, family, or love, the stress and weight of strained relationships filters into everything we do. Here are my five steps to help you isolate and remedy the situation, reducing its impact on the relationship and other areas of your life.
Understand your triggers. When building a house, the builder must understand the local weather, geology, and topography because these conditions can greatly impact the structural integrity of the home. Relationships are similar. As the builder of the relationships in your life, it is important to ensure they are built on a solid foundation and properly supported by understanding your internal environment. Part of this is understanding your triggers: what they are and where they came from. Often, the intensity of our emotional responses to situations in the present stems from past experiences. The purpose of identifying and understanding your triggers is not to use them as emotional landmines in your relationships. You are the only person responsible for your emotions, and with that, your triggers. Identifying and understanding them will help you lessen the intensity of certain experiences and respond more appropriately to the situation at hand. The next time you feel emotionally hijacked, take a moment to step back and explore the feeling before reacting. Dig into the emotion to try to reconnect with a time in your past when you might have felt this way. Once you identify the origin(s), visualize distributing the full weight of the emotion among the associated experiences in your life, both past and present. Once you feel the weight has been appropriately distributed, return to the present situation and see if it feels a bit more manageable. Working through this process first will allow you to approach the situation with more balance, which will help you move forward with greater control and confidence in your ability to handle the situation.
Take time. When something upsets us in a relationship, pain is usually the underlying cause. If you’re struggling to manage your emotions in a healthy and appropriate way, it might be necessary to take time to explore and nurture any pain that has resurfaced. During this period, treat yourself as you would if you were physically ill. If you were sick, you might take medicine, take time off work, rest, and nourish your body with healthy food. In this case, your emotions need recovery. Educating yourself about the experiences that are resurfacing—by reading books or listening to podcasts—can serve as your medicine. You might need to take a mental health day (or two) from work. Exercise to reap its positive effects on stress and nourish yourself by spending time in nature. Other helpful practices include being mindful of the type of music you listen to and the shows you watch, practicing meditation, and trying reiki. To immediately soothe yourself, try this breathing exercise: inhale slowly and deeply through your nose for four seconds while focusing on the expansion of your stomach. Hold your breath for seven seconds, then slowly release it through your mouth for eight seconds. Repeat this sequence four times. If you find it helpful, you can associate colors with your breath (I use blue and red). For the inhale, visualize taking in cleansing blue air and holding the breath while your body absorbs it. For the exhale, visualize releasing all the negativity by pushing out red air. Your body communicates with you. If you feel that you need time or space from a person or situation, take it and be purposeful with that time.
Identify the path forward. First, examine the role you might have played in the situation. Taking responsibility for your actions allows you to move forward with balance. Without balance, you risk being unreasonable and potentially escalating the issue in the relationship. Identifying whether you've overreacted will also help build confidence in your self-awareness. Next, ask yourself if this is something you need to discuss with the other person. By the time you reach this point, you should have worked through the situation enough to determine if the thing that upset you was truly related to the other person—or if it might stem from past pain. Sometimes, we react strongly to present situations because they activate old wounds. It's important not to make people in your present pay for things from your past. If you decide a conversation is necessary, determine how much you want to share about why the situation upset you. In a professional relationship, for example, it may not be appropriate to delve into personal details, so you’ll need to approach the conversation professionally. In a romantic relationship, however, it can be beneficial to be more open. This allows your partner to understand you more deeply and can lessen any guilt they might feel for upsetting you. It also builds compassion, which fosters trust and strengthens emotional bonds. Finally, think about what needs to be said for you both to move forward. This includes any apologies or recognition of responsibility on your part. Also consider whether boundaries need to be established. If so, clearly state the behavior you will no longer accept and the consequences for crossing the boundary.
Prepare for the conversation. Try not to catch the other person off guard. Let them know you would like to talk by saying something non-threatening, such as, “Let’s grab coffee this weekend if you’re free. I’ve been working through some things I want to share with you. There’s nothing wrong or anything to worry about—I just want to chat.” When you enter the conversation, aim to be emotionally balanced, positive, and open. If you're still feeling upset, focus on the outcome you want rather than on your feelings. Focusing on how you feel can make you protective, which the other person will likely sense, putting them on guard as well. Avoid labeling or blaming, as these behaviors will immediately put the other person on the defensive. Try to avoid “you made me feel” language. Nobody "makes" you feel a certain way; you are in control of your emotions. For example, instead of saying, "You made me feel unimportant," try, "I want to feel important to you." The first phrase sounds accusatory, while the second fosters vulnerability and openness. When choosing a place and time, ensure the location offers some level of privacy and is quiet enough for a meaningful conversation. Regarding choosing a time, make sure it is a time that works for both of you and that neither of you will need to rush off to anything. Try practicing what you plan to say beforehand to prevent nerves from interfering with your ability to communicate what's important.
Enter with kindness. Entering a conversation with kindness fosters a safe and comfortable environment, allowing both parties to work through challenges while minimizing conflict. By being kind, you're more likely to receive kindness in return. And even if the other person doesn't respond as you had hoped, maintaining your kindness will leave you feeling reassured that you conducted yourself in a positive and constructive manner. If at any point you find yourself unable to maintain kindness or your original intention, it might be best to have the conversation another time.
If a relationship has you feeling out of control, remember that you are 100% responsible for your relationships. You are responsible for what you allow, the environment you create for others, and whether a relationship is maintained. Before working to remedy a strained relationship, first determine whether it’s one you want to maintain. Sometimes, when something isn't working, we must accept that it's not meant for us and allow ourselves to be redirected. Whatever your situation, I hope these steps help you tune into yourself, because the relationship you have with yourself is the foundation of all other relationships in your life.
—Shannon Stein
