NAVIGATING AND DESTIGMATIZING FAMILY ESTRANGEMENT
Society often promotes the idea that maintaining close family relationships is inherently good. However, this blanket belief can be damaging, as it creates immense pressure to preserve these bonds regardless of the dynamics, leading people to endure toxic relationships out of fear or obligation. At what point does this societal standard no longer make sense? In some cases, could it be healthier to move beyond traditional family ties and build a chosen family instead? Family estrangement is a complex and often misunderstood issue, burdened by stigma. To break down the barriers and offer meaningful support, it’s essential to understand both the challenges of enduring and leaving unhealthy family dynamics, as well as how we can help others navigate this difficult path.
An important step in understanding family estrangement is recognizing when it begins and why it happens. While actual estrangement typically occurs in adulthood, the path often begins in late adolescence and continues into early adulthood. This period coincides with the development of self-identity and the continued maturation of the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for complex decision-making and self-regulation. These years serve as the foundation for how we experience and carry forward the energy of our family relationships.
People don’t wake up one day as adults and suddenly decide to cut off a parent or family member. Estrangement is usually the result of longstanding negativity in the relationship, with the decision to distance feeling like a necessary act of self-preservation. Throughout childhood, our understanding of normal or acceptable family dynamics is shaped by our personal experiences. As we expand and encounter different perspectives, long-held thoughts or feelings about family relationships may surface, leading to a desire to challenge or reject certain family norms or behaviors that were previously tolerated, but never liked.
Some common reasons for creating space from family—whether temporary or permanent—include:
Abuse: physical, emotional, mental, or sexual
Neglect: physical, emotional, medical, or educational
Family dysfunction or toxic parenting: unsafe conditions, enabling harmful behavior, dismissiveness leading children to feel unheard or unseen, fostering sibling/cousin rivalry, codependency, unrealistic expectations, gossiping about children, secrecy leading to distrust, parental emotional immaturity, or role reversal in the parent-child dynamic
Differences in values: religion, marriage, children, sexuality, politics, etc.
Addiction: alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, hoarding, etc.
Divorce: children of divorce may side with one parent, creating a division
Family estrangement is said to be more common now than ever. I do want to acknowledge that there is more openness to talk about family issues today, and we now have more ways to communicate than we did in the past. It may not be that there’s an actual increase in family estrangement; rather, more people are talking about it, and there are more platforms to support those conversations. If there truly is an increase, here are a few reasons I believe it might be on the rise:
The definition of trauma has expanded. It was once thought that trauma required physical wounds as 'proof' of harm. For example, in the early 20th century, physicians used terms like 'shell shock' or 'war neurosis' to describe the trauma experienced during military service simply because the wounds were not visible. It wasn’t until 1980, with the introduction of PTSD, that our understanding of trauma began to broaden. Today, trauma is recognized as a lasting emotional response to an event or series of events that causes intense physical or psychological stress. As our awareness of trauma's long-lasting effects has grown, the threshold for what people are willing to tolerate to keep a family intact has justifiably lessened.
Our views on what constitutes harmful, abusive, or neglectful behavior have shifted. Certain forms of discipline that society now clearly regards as harmful, abusive, or neglectful were once seen as good parenting. As we have learned more about the physiological effects of parenting, our methods have evolved, leading to higher expectations of what good parenting looks like today. This shift has made it easier for children of harmful, abusive, or neglectful parents to make the decision to separate and to find support for doing so.
Mental and emotional health are more broadly discussed today, emphasizing the responsibility and importance of breaking the cycle of toxic family patterns. A mother may have endured an unhealthy family dynamic for the sake of preserving family ties, but the moment she sees her child exposed to the same dynamic, she might quickly withdraw to protect her child. Over time, we tend to develop calluses in our lifelong relationships, which allows us to tolerate things we don’t like. However, when someone we are responsible for protecting is subjected to the same harmful behavior, it can become intolerable.
So, how does someone make the difficult decision to lessen or cut off the connection to their parents or family members? The simple answer is that there is no one way to determine if family estrangement is the right choice for you or someone you know. However, below are some questions that can be asked to help remove any denial and gain a clearer, more holistic view of the situation. Reflecting on responses to these questions and considering how those responses feel will help identify a direction to start moving toward.
Is this relationship preventing me from growing and healing? If yes, can creating some distance, without completely cutting off contact, give me the space I need to grow and heal?
Do I feel like I’m the family scapegoat? Am I the one who is blamed for all the family problems?
Is there too much physical, emotional, or financial harm to continue in the relationship?
Am I emotionally triggered and unable to be myself around this person?
Does this relationship interfere with my emotional, mental, physical wellbeing or with other relationships in my life?
Am I the only one self-regulating in the relationship or working for the relationship? Am I the only one expected to do all the changing?
Am I constantly being criticized in this relationship?
Is there a lack of respect in the relationship?
Is there gossiping or are there rumors being spread at my expense?
Would I allow anyone else to treat me this way?
Do I dread spending time with this family member?
Have I tried to improve this relationship?
Am I prepared to deal with any reactions from my family if I create distance or sever ties completely? Am I prepared to take responsibility for changing this relationship?
Family estrangement is incredibly challenging for everyone affected by it. Based on my personal experiences, research, and insights, here are some key points to help you navigate family estrangement, based on your role in the situation:
People Who Choose Estrangement
Work on yourself and be mindful not to choose connections that simply replace the family members you’re estranged from. Focus on personal growth by engaging in therapy and/or coaching, attending reiki sessions, journaling, and exploring relevant podcasts and books. Invest in yourself and grow!
Let go of any anger. There's nothing wrong with feeling angry—it's a natural emotion that helps us identify problems. However, holding onto anger isn't healthy for your mental, emotional, or physical well-being. Releasing it doesn’t mean you’re accepting what happened or saying it was okay. Instead, you're choosing not to let it hurt you anymore. Let it go—it no longer serves you.
Find your calm and stay connected to it. Reacting impulsively only fuels the energy you're trying to avoid. Instead, develop tools and strategies to maintain your composure, especially when you're around people you've distanced yourself from. For example, if you’ve stopped speaking with your mom but attend a family event, there’s a good chance you’ll encounter her. Being prepared will help you handle these situations with grace.
Others might not understand. If you’ve made the decision to place distance or cut ties with your parent or relative, this is not an easy decision. Others will likely not understand the depth of the pain you’ve experienced to get you to this place, so you might need to create strong boundaries or even distance yourself from anyone who makes you feel judged as you navigate forward. Navigating this space can be incredibly challenging, so it's essential to protect your mental and emotional well-being as you work through these changes.
You are disrupting the family system. Allow others in the family to find their natural rhythm with the changes and try to be understanding as they do.
This doesn’t have to be a permanent decision. After some healing and growth, you may feel ready to reengage in the relationship. If you choose to reconnect, consider keeping certain personal details private at first, focusing on topics you'd be comfortable discussing publicly. Be mindful of subjects that make you feel vulnerable or could lead to gossip or judgment and avoid those topics. Have safe topics ready to steer the conversation, ensuring it stays within your comfort zone.
Estranged Family Members
Put your guard down and lean in to understand. People typically don’t distance themselves from family without a valid reason. Even if you think they are being ridiculous or unreasonable, take the time to understand what’s going on with your loved one, and try to understand what you can do to make things better.
Consider your role in the estrangement. Being defensive only reinforces your loved one’s decision to distance themselves, as it signals an unwillingness to take responsibility or show compassion for their experience in the relationship. Acknowledge that you are capable of mistakes, and don’t let ego or pride prevent reconciliation with your family member.
Be patient as they discover what they need. There may be many ups and downs, so it’s important to practice patience. Communicate openly and demonstrate your commitment to improving or salvaging the relationship. Most importantly, don’t withhold love or emotionally punish them when they do reach out. Strive to be a safe, loving space for them always.
The outcome will partly reflect what you put in. If you do nothing, you will very likely get nothing in return. However, if you approach the situation with humility and sincerity, things may soften over time.
Respect the boundaries. Unfortunately, if after some of the emotions have settled your family member sets a clear boundary to not contact them, you need to respect their wishes.
Take care of yourself. Strive to understand yourself more deeply by working with a therapist, practicing self-reflection, or joining a support group. Processing your loss can help demystify the situation, and if your child offers you space in the future, you’ll be better prepared to reengage. Additionally, nurture your hobbies, exercise regularly, and eat healthily. Traumas like this can take a toll on your mental, emotional, and physical well-being so it is important to take care of yourself.
Destigmatizing family estrangement is key to supporting those who make this difficult decision. Leaving toxic family dynamics should not be met with shame; instead, it should be recognized as an act of self-preservation and growth. By embracing the idea that chosen family can be just as, if not more, meaningful than biological ties, we can offer compassion and understanding to those who make this choice for their own personal well-being.
For anyone supporting someone estranged from their family, please do not judge them. This situation can be deeply painful, so be kind and understanding. With the holidays approaching, remember that this time can be especially difficult for those dealing with estrangement.
To anyone affected by family estrangement, my heart goes out to you and your loved ones. This has personally touched my life and the lives of many people I know and love. Continue to evolve and grow, find your peace and protect it, and always be kind to yourself.
—Shannon Stein
